When you’re standing at the altar with your spouse-to-be, it feels impossible to imagine that somewhere down the line, you could be signing divorce papers. Unfortunately for 30 per cent of couples in Australia, divorce is a reality. Divorce and separation are life-changing events that bring a set of tricky social, financial, legal and mental challenges.
With divorce steadily on the rise, The Australian Women’s Weekly sat down with Selina Millers, post-martial specialist and founder of the separation support platform You After X, to discuss how to navigate life after divorce and separation.
When is it time to leave a relationship?
Knowing when to leave a relationship is hard, this is particularly true for a marriage where you feel entwined with your spouse.
“Any kind of emotional disrespect…communication is also a really big red flag. If communication becomes aggressive or there’s a lot of blame, I would say it’s time to get distance,” Selina advises.
“It’s important to get some distance and think about where we’re at. It’s so normal for people to absorb their relationship as part of themselves so we need to ask, ‘What am I choosing to accept in my life?’.
“We try so hard to change people, the sooner that we can accept that we have no control over anyone but ourselves then that is the key to a better separation.”
Be honest with your children
Separation and divorce are tricky enough, but this is even more true when there are children involved.
“Fit your own oxygen mask first,” Selina says. “It’s really difficult to be the one to put their foot down, there’s such a power in that and divorce is only complicated by having children.
“With teenagers, there needs to be a level of transparency, I’m not an advocate for lying to them. It’s important to be real with your kids, it’s their life too. That doesn’t mean telling them things they don’t need to hear either.
“As for younger children, it’s all about quality time. It’s hard going from having them all the time to 50/50. You need to show them you’re still there for them no matter what.”
Seeking professional support early
One of the biggest adjustments during separation and divorce is having to navigate legal, financial and other responsibilities alone. Selina says that it’s important to engage professional support early on in the separation.
“A lot of people go to their friends for emotional support and as much as I’m a big advocate for that, the role of a professional is so important in these situations. It doesn’t need to be expensive or all the time, but having someone experienced in these problems is valuable.”
“The same goes for legal advice, getting the right tools and advice early is important.”
In fact, there are a number of financial advisors that offer complimentary one hour consults for women. This will give you a chance to get all of your financial questions answered and wrap your head around the basics of things like superannuation, bills and other finances.
Can you really consciously uncouple?
Coined by psychotherapist and author Katherine Woodward Thomas, the concept of conscious uncoupling refers to an amicable separation. But is it really possible to achieve this when going through a separation?
“Conscious uncoupling is the goal. In fact it was mine. It takes two very self aware people who are prepared to take responsibility for their own emotional stability through the process. Unfortunately it’s quite rare because people don’t move at the same pace.”
Be easy on yourself
Whether or not you initiated the separation, breaking up is hard to do. It’s a mixture of dealing with distress, depression and uncomfortability. Selina says that as women, our biggest challenge is grieving the lives we thought we would have.
“It’s not so much the grieving of the relationship, as women we tend to emotionally process that part. It’s grieving the death of the life we thought we were going to have. It’s uncomfortable to imagine not growing old with that person and a life different to what we imagined.”
Being kind to yourself is one of the most emotionally beneficial things you can do as you adapt to this new period of your life.
